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I am a tree. Or a poor imitation of a circus clown. Hard to tell which. Help me please.

 

sw_header_bar_nonsenseDear Sir/Madam/possible inheritor of $5,000,000 from a Ugandan Prince

Do you ever have those days where your creativity feels stifled in your windowless, soulless, office?  Do you feel like you need light to grow and thrive?  Like a tree?  I am a tree trapped in a box with no soul.

Sometimes you just need your email signature to express who you truly are inside, rather than the corporate shill you are paid to be. I’m a little bored and a little trapped in this office.  Help me please.

Kind regards

Jo Sargeant

Chief Supreme Clinic Manager and Demi God/Princess

Executive Wordsmith and Super Mum
…also good with glue and glitter

Clinic Manager/Future Trophy Wife of Chad Kroeger

Clinic Manager/Princess

Clinic Manager/Aspiring Wizard

Clinic Manager/Potential Sweepstakes Prize Winner

Apocalypse Prevention Team Manager

Administrator Extraordinaire and Very Poor Juggler

Expert procrastinator/Very good at colouring in

Clinic Manager/Social Media Assistant/Located far too far from a decent winery

Clinic Manager/ Chief Wordsmith and Purveyor of Bullshit

Tree

 

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Do not ship puppies interstate, but if you do make sure you put a sandwich in the box

sw_header_bar_nonsense

The other day I got a phone call that amused me for the rest of the day.  To be honest, as I sit here telling you about it, I’m still pretty amused at myself.  My job can get a little monotonous and sometimes I’m just looking for small ways to keep myself smiling.

Things to know:

  1. In amongst the myriad of things I am responsible for in my job, warehouse logistics is one of them. Boxes come in.  I ship them out.  Pretty straight forward process.
  2. I’m quite sure no one actually reads half the information I have to enter in to the system when I send things out. It seems pointless.
  3. I spend far too much time on the phone talking and emailing our assistant accountant to discuss things that I’m sure HR would tell us were inappropriate for work conversations. We make each other laugh.  A lot. Who wants in on our Zombie Apocalypse team?

Phone rings…

“Hey.  This is Jo.”

“So… this parcel you sent out.  The one marked ‘not puppies’.  It sounds suspiciously like it might be puppies.  Are you posting puppies?  You shouldn’t post puppies.  Were there puppies in that box?”

…takes a second to think about what on earth Lee* is talking about.  Remembers that when entering the information in to the very boring TNT form to ship out very boring supplies to another branch I got bored and wondered if Linda** actually reads the shipping information on the boxes I post her.  She does not.  Turns out that it is Lee’s job to check everything I ship…

Erupts in to laughter.  Mission accomplished.  Much shenanigans planned for the future now I know he has to read every. single. label. that I print.

 

*Not his real name.  There might be a Lee that works for our company, but it is not that one.

**Also not her real name.  See above.

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It’s a Trap!

Admin’s Log: July 15

It has been 5 weeks since Telstra pulled the copper lines out of the street where I work leaving us with no phone or internet service until we could hook up to the NBN. As it stands we have no phone lines out, calls have been diverted to my mobile so there is no real ‘knock off time’ for me, no network connectivity so emails and intranet are down, cannot network to the printer. Shredder still works but am expecting that to change soon. Slowly going crazy. IT guy attending site to fix the issues. Am not planning to let him leave until all is fixed. Will set a subtle, yet 100% effective trap to ensure his capture.

Seriously, 5 weeks since Telstra took our phone lines down and we’re still struggling to get everything back on track.  Needless to say I was super excited to hear that our IT guy was coming to my office to fix our problems.  And after doing our printing at home after hours, using my phone tethered to my laptop as my work desktop is essentially a giant word processor and using my mobile for a work phone, there was no way on this green earth I was letting him leave until it was all fixed.  But how to ensure he stays here until it was  done? <strokes chin thoughtfully>

I present to you the Acme Trevor Trap:

trevor_trap_v1

Complete with kibble and something to drink, all I need to do is put paper down for him to sleep on so he doesn’t make a mess.

What’s that I hear you say?  My trap is cunning and subtle and completely 100% foolproof.  Why thank you, I was pretty impressed with myself, and every client that stepped through the door thought it was brilliant.

The Trevor I was trying to trap?  Walked through the green door RIGHT NEXT TO IT and didn’t see it!  I should have made it larger and more obvious.  Up until now I hadn’t thought that subtlety was my strong point, but *clearly* I was wrong.

His excuse is that he is smarter than the average IT guy (points awarded for the Yogi Bear reference).
I think he is less observant than the av-er-age Bear.

In fairness, I think I’m right.  Because, well, I’m always right for starters.  Also, because – I’m always right.

Next time I’m going to dig a big hole in front of the office entry and cover it with leaves and twigs.  If he didn’t see the trap, there’s no way he will notice that.

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Important Work Phone Call

I called my friend in another office to ask her a very important grammar question, because you don’t want internal emails to Head Office to go out without proofing them first.  That’s just unprofessional, People!  And I’m all about looking professional.  That’s why I’m the boss.  No really.

“Okay.  Important Question.  You know what a stickler I am for grammar rules.  Do you think prostitutey has an E in it or just a Y?”

“Ummmm… That’s one of those words I have to see written down.  Gimme a sec. <scribes silently>  It definitely has an E in it.”

“Yeah, cause you only drop the E when you add ING, not when you add Y.”

“Yeah.  And IE just looks funny. <starts giggling>  You need to write that down.  Look at Prostitutie with an IE written down.  Are you doing it?”

“Yeah?  It looks wrong.  Its definitely an EY.”

“No but with an IE it looks all cute.  Like it might be a lip gloss flavour.”

“Eewww Noone wants lip gloss that salty and white.”

“Nooooo.  Like Lip Smackers Prostitutie Fruity.  I’d buy that.  It sounds delicious and  fun.”

<disolves into laughter>

And while I’m sure that prostitutes and flavour derivatives thereof are both delicious* and fun, I am not so sure that it is time for them to be on the supermarket shelves.

*in a completely non-cannibalistic way.  Please don’t eat people. Well, do.  But only in the behind-closed-doors kind of way.  But now I think about it, cannibals probably don’t leave the front door open when they are cooking dinner.  No one wants to see you adding paprika to your great Aunt Ruth who ended up in your favourite goulash recipe because she gave you yet another ugly christmas sweater.  I think I’ve put too much thought in to this already.  So in summation:  Eating people is only for sexy times.  Not for dinner times.  This is an explicit disclaimer to absolve myself of any involvement or responsibility in your freaky and completely illegal canabal parties.

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“I’m Looking at You D”

A post I have regurgitated from another site from 2011:

As I set off today and indeed when I got home I was thinking that I would have nothing to blog about today.  I spent the day at a training course being all professionally developed.  I feel way more professional now. All properly named for the day (I was student D) and already being an advanced student inasmuch as I can turn the computer on and off again without being told to when trouble shooting, I was expecting boredom as we waited for the less computer literate people in the class to catch up to where we, the more computer literate people in the class were.  Now I’m not saying that I’m smarter than everyone else in the class, I don’t need to.  The facts speak for themselves, people.  Lets just say that due to my short attention span and penchant for thinking about monkeys and unicorns when not properly amused, I got what I expected.  Boredom.  Well, I would have if my boss weren’t sitting next to me being more distracted and bored than I was.  How is it that I always manage to find the biggest ratbag in the class to sit next to?

Just lucky I guess.

We were learning the new Specialised Homelessness Services data collection platform and the online reporting system, using a dummy training platform.  A sandbox, if you will.  We had entered in the data necessary and I was playing around making notes on why our ‘client’ had not been offered service.  In a completely non-judgmental and strengths based fashion I wrote “ugly shoes” as the reason for service refused and moved onto finalising the report.  Completely forgetting about what I had written and having no idea how the data was displayed in reports, I pretended to pay attention to the lecturer.

I would like to inform you that I now know that notes written in an Unassisted Person’s record are not private and show up to the whole class on the projector,  turns out that dissing a homeless person’s footwear in class will brand you as the class troublemaker.  And have you singled out…………

“I’m looking at YOU ‘D’.”